How to Have a Productive Argument
The Difference Between Disagreement and Invalidation
Imagine you’re telling a friend or partner about a frustrating event. You hope for support or a kind ear but instead are met with an eye-roll and a dismissive, “You’re overreacting; it’s not that bad.” In one moment your emotional experience feels brushed aside and start to wonder if something is wrong with you.
The difference between disagreement and invalidation may sound like hair-splitting, but it has meaningful implications for our relationships and our mental health. While disagreement is a normal, even healthy, part of social interaction, invalidation can chip away at our sense of self-worth and emotional safety. Understanding these two concepts can help sustain strong and supportive relationships.
Invalidation occurs when someone discounts or rejects another’s subjective experience. Rather than taking in what someone is saying or feeling, they try to tell them what to think or feel. While telling a friend, “I don’t see it that way” is an expression of a differing opinion, saying “You shouldn’t feel that way” dismisses the legitimacy of their feelings or perspective.
Invalidation can be intentional or unintentional. Sometimes, people genuinely believe they are helping by “snapping someone out of” what they perceive as an overreaction. However, these comments can trigger shame and isolation, making the recipient feel that their inner experience is unworthy or wrong.
Disagreement means holding a contrasting opinion or belief while respecting that another person’s perspective comes from a place worth understanding. It doesn’t challenge the validity of the other person’s emotional state. For instance, in an argument about a political issue, a scientific claim, or the best way to solve a problem you might hold onto the fact that there can be something to learn from what the other has to say.
A healthy disagreement can be conveyed like this: “I respect how you feel about this, but I have a different take based on my experiences and the facts I’ve seen.” Notice how this stance honors the other person’s perspective (or at least their right to have it) while presenting a distinct viewpoint. Healthy disagreement can promote growth through broadening our perspectives, lead to collaborative problem-solving, and foster mutual respect and trust.
The Toll of Invalidation
Repeated invalidation, particularly in the context of intimate or meaningful relationships, can erode self esteem and the willingness to share or speak up. When feelings are consistently brushed aside or ridiculed, people may learn to suppress their emotions or question their own reality. Over time, this can fuel anxiety, depression and even dissociation.
Borderline Personality Disorder is often borne in a home where parents repeatedly invalidate their children.
Invalidation can act as a “punisher” for emotional expression. According to behavioral principles, people who repeatedly receive negative feedback or criticism when they express themselves are more likely to shut down.
Research suggests that experiencing repeated invalidation may heighten activation in brain regions associated with threat detection (e.g., the amygdala) and the stress response system (the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis). This increased stress reactivity can contribute to emotional volatility or emotional numbness.
From a relational perspective, invalidation is seen as a disruption in the “intersubjective field.” Each interaction between two people affects the dynamic space they share. Rather than co-constructing a shared reality, one person’s reality takes control and the other’s is erased.
The Upside of Respectful Disagreement
In contrast, disagreement that is framed with respect does not undermine someone’s worth or sense of reality. It simply posits that two individuals see things differently. When disagreement is offered with empathy and curiosity, it can foster an environment of psychological safety.
Disagreements that focus on issues rather than the person’s character help maintain positive reinforcement for open communication. When people feel heard and validated, they’re more likely to activate the prefrontal cortex, linked with calm, rational processing, rather than activating stress responses in the brain’s limbic system which leads to emotional thinking. A respectful disagreement recognizes both parties can work together and contribute to a mutual understanding and resolution.
How to Tell the Difference
1. Focus of the Statement
Invalidation: Centers on the person’s subjective experience or character, and attempts to change it with shame or dismissal.
Disagreement: Centers on a specific topic or idea.
2. Emotional Tone
Invalidation: Often experienced as condescending or rigid.
Disagreement: Calm and easy to take in, acknowledges the other while maintains a different stance.
3. Impact on the Relationship
Invalidation: Erodes trust and safety, potentially making one or both parties reluctant to share openly.
Disagreement: Can still affirm the relationship if approached respectfully. People can leave a disagreement feeling heard and valued.
Bridging the Gap: Practical Tips
1. Acknowledge The Other First
Begin by reflecting back the emotional content of what the other person is saying. It may even be as simple as repeating what they said back to them. This offers you as the speaker an opportunity to process what they said, and allows the other to feel safe and remain authentically open.
2. Use “I” Statements, not “You” Statement
“I see it differently” is not an attack, but “You’re wrong” can be. Expressing your perspective in the first person signals ownership of your opinion and respect for theirs.
3. Check for Understanding, Show Curiosity
Before you counter someone’s argument, summarize what you believe they are saying: “Let me make sure I understand: You felt embarrassed when your boss criticized you in front of the team, and you think it was unfair. Is that right?” This shows you are listening, and gives you the opportunity to be certain you are understanding them as they intend to be.
Why It Matters
Nurturing our relationships means staying vigilant about the difference between invalidation and disagreement. Whether with friends, romantic partners, or colleagues, how we speak about each other’s feelings can either strengthen or damage our emotional bond. Recognizing when a conversation shifts from disagreement into invalidation can help us pause, reset, and reframe our words.
Moreover, from a mental health perspective, people who experience chronic invalidation may develop difficulty regulating their emotions, struggle with self-esteem, and harbor resentment or distrust in close relationships. By contrast, respectful disagreement, grounded in empathy, can enhance communication skills, problem-solving abilities, and emotional intimacy.
Next time you find yourself wanting to say, “You’re just being dramatic,” pause and ask whether you’re expressing a simple difference of opinion or invalidating the other person’s experience. Small shifts in language, like“I” statements, can help you communicate disagreement without undermining anyone’s sense of worth. Healthy relationships thrive not by avoiding conflict but by navigating it with empathy, mutuality, and genuine curiosity about each other’s inner worlds.