The Hidden Harm of Avoidance

Learning that discomfort is not an enemy, it's an opportunity

Conflict is uncomfortable and can feel risky. “Will the other person get mad at me for speaking up?” or “will I lose control and get too mad then feel guilty or ashamed about it?” The easiest thing might feel like avoiding it. This can be through appeasements that are ultimately disingenuous, or making excuses that aren’t truths. On the surface it looks and feels like kindness, caution or restraint.

Underneath the surface it’s something else, it’s a misrepresentation of ourselves that may erode trust and safety in the relationships we are ultimately trying to protect. Avoiding conflict doesn’t just sidestep tension, it distorts shared reality. When someone habitually dodges difficult conversations, it creates distance and confusion.

Considering this is an intentional misrepresentation of reality to get what you selfishly want for yourself, it is also a form of manipulation that can border on gaslighting.

Avoidance Is Not Neutral

When someone refuses to say the hard thing, especially when it hurts someone, they’re not just “keeping the peace.” They’re shaping the narrative in a way that protects their ego and self image while leaving the other person carrying the emotional weight, possibly in ways that are unknown to them. The hurt party starts to question themselves, “Did I do something wrong? “Am I overreacting?”

This is the emotional territory of gaslighting, not the overt kind where someone tells you your reality is false, but the quieter and ambient kind, where your reality is simply never considered or acknowledged.

The Psychology Behind the Silence

Many people who chronically avoid conflict aren’t cold or uncaring. In fact, they’re often deeply sensitive and value relationships very highly. But that sensitivity, especially a sensisensitivity to shame or guilt, comes with an intense fear of being criticized, rejected, or exposed. Deep down, they may carry a fragile sense of self-worth that can’t tolerate being seen as flawed.

So instead of taking accountability, they deflect. Instead of clarifying intentions, they withdraw. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry I let you down,” they say nothing at all. This creates a dynamic where they stay protected, and the other person is left to manage both the rupture and the repair.

When Emotional Withdrawal Becomes a Pattern

Sometimes we are surprised when, in important relationships, our attempts to be honest with each other for the sake of growth is met instead with dismissal, defensiveness or vague excuses. It’s not just frustrating, it’s corrosive and disorienting. What you thought was a relationship with trust and respect starts to seem like one with animosity.

You are made to feel like you’re too sensitive for even acknowledging there is a problem, like it’s your needs that are too much. Even though you’re the only one trying to bridge a gap and keep things stable, this attempt at growth turns into a sense of diminishment and shame.

This is not an accident. People who fear intimacy often structure their relationships in ways that give them just enough closeness to feel connected, but enough distance to feel safe from vulnerability. Instead of dealing with their own shame, they project it onto you and make you feel it. A sort of silent, often unconscious, tit for tat. That means keeping others slightly off-balance: emotionally hungry, confused, apologizing for things they didn’t do.

The Disguises of Conflict Avoidance

Conflict avoidance wears many masks:

• “It’s not a bid deal, can we just move on.”

• “I wasn’t sure how you felt, so I figured I’d give it space.”

• “I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

But what these often really mean is:

• “I couldn’t handle feeling like I disappointed you.”

• “I didn’t want to risk feeling ashamed.”

• “I needed to preserve my image, even at the cost of our relationship.”

In this way, emotional avoidance becomes a control strategy: keeping the relationship on terms that feel safe to them, even if it leaves the other person in a state of emotional starvation.

Self protection becomes self harm

When someone consistently avoids hard conversations, they’re also signaling something else “I don’t trust you to witness my flaws.” Or “I don’t trust myself to survive your disappointment.”

However their attempts to protect themselves backfire. This momentary protection of their self image pushes others away and eventually reinforces the exact isolation they fear. Deep down, being aware of their disingenuousness they may turn to self directed guild and negative self talk. They become anxious or depressed, having missed an opportunity to do something that might have made them proud, being brave and honest.

Healing Starts with Honesty

You might be reading this, resonating with the frustrated wish to maintain loving relationships but feeling like your failing. You might be reading this, and starting to understand how your own needs for self protection are actually harming others.

Being on the receiving end of chronic conflict avoidance can feel emptying. Constantly attempting conflict avoidance can be exhausting. The damage doesnt appear all at once, its insidious. But one day you wake up and realize you’ve built a relationship on unspoken disappointments and unresolved hurt.

Moving forward requires bravery, honesty and honoring yourself. Reaching out with genuine expression of vulnerability can be met with deep gratitude. If you have done your best and keep being met with disappointment you’re allowed to walk away and stop banging your head against a wall.

Discomfort is not some sort of enemy to be defeated, it’s information that can be used meaningfully and creatively to make life better. It’s a signal that something important is happening and a compass for how to navigate it.