How Shame Turns an Argument Into an Impasse

Unrecognized Shame Triggers Dissociation and Makes Arguments Spiral Out of Control

In a previous article I wrote about how to have healthy and productive disagreements. Sometimes, no matter how hard someone tries, disagreements spiral into arguments that seem to lead to nowhere but frustration and anger. This can feel defeating when it’s a repeated experience with a loved one. I call this the “Dissociated Shame Wars” because what is really happening has nothing to do with the content of the argument. Instead a dynamic of unconscious attempts to guard against shame and guilt transforms into taking turns dodging and attacking. Nothing is accomplished and everyone is upset.

Sounds Familiar?

I hear the same story from my patients often, and I have experienced it personally. One attempts to have a meaningful conversation with another and is met with rejection. Typically people are trying to share ways in which they were hurt or disappointed, and are hoping to be understood and find a new way to deepen relationships and make them safer. This happens with romantic partners, parents, friends and even employers.

For some, being told they did something upsetting can be hard to accept. Instead of taking a moment for self reflection, they immediately reject it and blame the other person. “I did nothing wrong”, “How could you say that” are common responses. Perhaps they may even blame the other for attacking them, claiming the person who is trying to open conversation is doing something harmful; ironically they are doing the exact thing they are claiming is being done to them- shaming and blaming.

When this happens repeatedly, when attempts at uncomfortable conversations are met with defensiveness, accusations and rejection, the relationship begins to degrade. The person who is repeatedly rejected starts to feel guilt and shame of their own and as this builds up they too might start to act out in hostile ways.

Now both parties are unconsciously acting out their hurt against each other, and the cycle goes on and on because neither person really knows why they are behaving as they are.

Shame Is a Battlefield

Shame is one of the most painful emotions we can experience. Unlike guilt, which is about actions “I did something wrong”, shame is about identity “there is something wrong with me”. When triggered, shame can activate our brain’s threat system, making us feel as though our very sense of self is under attack. This emerges when we feel judged, criticized, or rejected. There are four automatic responses to shameful experiences:

Attacking Yourself: Blaming oneself or over-apologizing in an attempt to appease.

Attacking Others: Lashing out, criticizing, or projecting the shame outward to regain control.

Withdrawal: Shutting down or stonewalling to avoid further shame.

Avoidance: Deflecting with humor, distraction, or denial to escape the emotional pain.

How Shame Sabotages Conflict Resolution

Switching into Defensive or Aggressive Modes: In some cases, dissociation may trigger a switch into a highly defensive or even aggressive state. The person may suddenly become critical or dismissive as a way to protect themselves from overwhelming shame. The person on the receiving end feels attacked and responds defensively. Shame triggers dissociation, dissociation triggers agression, aggression triggers more shame.

Emotional Withdrawal and Numbing: When one partner dissociates, they may shut down emotionally or physically withdraw. This can look like avoiding eye contact, giving short or robotic answers, or leaving the room altogether. The other partner often interprets this withdrawal as rejection or abandonment, triggering their own shame response. Person A withdraws, person B feels hurt and lashes out, person A dissociates further.

Fragmented Communication: Dissociation can cause confusion, difficulty recalling what was said, or fragmented thoughts. One partner may say, “I don’t even remember what we’re arguing about,” or feel lost mid-conversation. Misunderstandings accumulate, and the lack of coherence prevents meaningful dialogue. Each person feels that the other “just doesn’t get it,” leading to frustration and escalation.

Why Shame Triggers Dissociation

Evolutionarily, and to this very day, human survival depends on relationships with other people. We simply cannot live in the world alone, so we evolved strong motivations to find ways to stay connected to groups and loved ones. Shame is the emotion that guides us away from behaviors that might lead us to be rejected, it does so by being a nearly intolerable feeling.

For many people, especially those with a history of trauma or emotional neglect, the terror of shame and rejection is absolutely intolerable; it doesn’t just activate defensive behaviors, it triggers dissociation. Dissociation is the mind’s way of disconnecting and escaping from overwhelming experiences. Mild forms may involve zoning out or feeling numb, while more severe dissociation can cause lapses in memory.

In moments of argument, both people may be responding to triggers rooted in past experiences and trauma, reliving unresolved wounds rather than reacting to the present moment. When this happens, the argument is no longer about what’s happening now but becomes a reenactment of past emotional pain. One partner may be projecting a feeling of abandonment from childhood while the other may be reliving a sense of failure or inadequacy from a previous relationship. This projection creates a dynamic where neither person is truly present, and both are locked in a cycle of defending themselves against the ghosts of their past.

The Underlying Neuroscience

Neuroscientifically, dissociation occurs when the brain’s prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational thought) shuts down under emotional stress to avoid the conscious experience of severe distress from high activation of the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system). With the brain’s logic and reasoning systems offline, one starts to experience difficulty staying present, and an inability to access the deeper feelings driving the argument. They turn instead to instinctive behaviors like attack and withdrawal (fight or flight).

Philip Bromberg’s work on dissociation describes how individuals can shift between different self-states, such as a vulnerable self that feels shame and a defensive self that protects against it. During arguments where levels of shame are high, this switching can happen in a way that leaves both partners feeling like they’re no longer talking to the same person.

Ending the War

Recognize and Name the Shame: Naming the emotion can help reduce its intensity by engaging the prefrontal cortex and restoring emotional regulation. It also allows the other person to be aware of what you are feeling and respond more appropriately “I think I’m lashing out because I feel embarrassed.” “I notice I’m starting to feel disconnected.”

Shift from Defensiveness to Curiosity: If you notice yourself on the defensive, break your own pattern by switching from an internal to an external focus. Become curious about what the other person is really feeling and start asking questions. In addition to understanding them better, they will feel heard and be able to calm down and be more present.

Take a Break and Practice Grounding Techniques: Time to cool off can help quiet down the amygdala and reaches the pre-frontal cortex. Logical thinking and replace emotional reacting. Grounding techniques can help bring both people come back to the present moment.

• Take slow, deep breaths.

• Practice tapping

• Engage with your senses, start naming things you can see, hear and feel

Reconnect Through Repair: After an argument, repair is crucial. This means acknowledging the harm done and offering genuine validation. Repair work activates oxytocin release, which fosters connection and trust. “I’m sorry for shutting down. It wasn’t about you, I was overwhelmed.” “I see that I hurt you, and I want to understand how.”

What Happens if The Dissociation is Too Strong?

Dissociation is called a defense mechanism because it is protective, and so it can be hard to give up. Sometimes, one person just relies on their dissociation too much to ever be able to let it go. For this person, although they are protected from their inner wounds, their personal relationships will forever suffer.

Patients of mine come to terms with the fact that their romantic partner may never mature in the way they need and end the relationship, which results in heart break for both parties. Children may alienate themselves from their parents as it is too painful to be unable to more deeply connected in the ways needed. Friendships might be abandoned and people move on to look for new jobs.

Healing Shame and Dissociation

If dissociation and shame are recurring issues for you, long-term healing may require exploring deeper emotional wounds through therapy. Relational psychoanalytic approaches, EMDR, or somatic therapies can help individuals integrate fragmented self-states and reduce their reliance on dissociation.

By understanding how shame and dissociation interact, people can learn to identify their triggers, stay present, and navigate conflicts with greater compassion. With practice, the Dissociated Shame Wars can give way to moments of genuine connection and repair turning conflict into an opportunity for growth.